How to play Tickle The Children

For the benefit of my wife, on those nights I cannot be home early, I would like to describe how to play Tickle the Children.

First, announce the game is about to be played. This typically induces a great deal of screaming and running.

Next, raise one or both arms. No groaning; you're not a zombie. Wiggle your fingers in a tickling fashion. Slowly, calmly walk in the direction the children have fled.

When you have located the children, tickle them without mercy. Start with our son, then switch to our daughter. Our son will gallantly come to her aid by either jumping on you or smacking you on the butt. (Limited butt-smacking is perfectly legal, provided it contacts you on the fleshy part of your butt.)

When our son tries to rescue his sister, you are required to curl up into a ball and pretend you have been stunned. This will give your victims the opportunity to run away again.

The children will be hiding in one of the following places:

• Behind a couch.
• Inside the cushions of a couch. This is a terrible hiding place because their arms and legs poke out everywhere.
• In the coat closet.
• Under the dining room table. This is actually quite an effective hiding place because it's hard to reach them in there with all the table legs and chairs.
• Under our son's bed. This is a little tricky because they tend to kick each other when they attempt to flee.
• Behind our daughter's crib. This is my favorite spot because I can just move it out of the way and get them.
• Under the bed in the guest bedroom.
• Under the covers of our bed in the master bedroom. This is by far their favorite hiding spot.
• Inside our closet, hiding behind all my crummy weekend shirts that hang close to the floor.

Time outs are allowed for bathroom breaks and such. Our son will run up and smack you on the butt without declaring the game has begun again. That can be a little disturbing at first.

While they run away, in order to taunt you into a tickling rage, our son will yell funny things at you. This is normal. The things he yells, however, are only really funny to a five-year-old, so expect to be told you're a poopy head and something else about your underwear I can't follow.

The game can last a dozen turns or more, and usually ends with our daughter declaring she wants you to dance with her. Our son will shout some more things at you about your underwear for a while, before he gives up and wanders into the kitchen to find a snack.